I don't feel like my family is complete, but it is what it is. I tried and I suffered in the process.
Life is never fair.
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
And it's over.
My reproductive years have come to an end with the failure of my 5th frozen embryo transfer.
I don't feel like my family is complete, but it is what it is. I tried and I suffered in the process.
Life is never fair.
I don't feel like my family is complete, but it is what it is. I tried and I suffered in the process.
Life is never fair.
Sunday, June 2, 2019
Symptoms during 2WW
0dp5dt - Transfer day, no symptoms
1dp5dt - Felt wonderful. Couldn't sleep, lower back pain late evening
2dp5dt - feel great, lower back pain, slight cramping, took 2 hour nap, frequent night urination
3dp5dt - night sweats, lower back pain, cramps,
4dp5dt - tired, cramps.PM: felt crappy and exhausted, went to bed early
5dp5pt - Felt better today, only lower back pain. I tested 3 times today with 3 different types of early pregnancy tests. All stark white negative. I had a squinter by today with Matheson. I feel like I am out of the game.
6dp5dt - Both morning tests were negative. All my symptoms are gone.
I am so incredibly sad. I know it's over even though I still have three days left. All of this, all the suffering: the highs and now the lows for nothing. I was so hopeful to give Matheson a sibling to grow up with. Life is never fair. Was it my attitude, "It it works, great; if not, closure"? Did I not try hard enough? No acupuncture or pineapple core? Did I not rest enough or rest too much? Was I just not meant to be a mother of three? Am I greedy? I was lucky enough to undergo fertility treatments and have two awesome, beautiful sons, shouldn't that be enough? I type this sucking back snot and wiping away tears.
Matheson is quietly napping in the next room. Tristan is playing video games. We are missing swim class today since I can't get in the water and I am furious about this. I know it's over and I can't do something we enjoy.
AND I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY
I gave up my career to stay home and be the best mom I could be and raise happy, well adjusted sons. We are financially well off. My children don't want for anything. Why does the universe think I am not good enough to have another child? Why!???
7dp5dt - This day came with a low, a high, then another low. I had to go to the clinic for bloodwork that morning. Test was still negative. A few hours later, I took another one and forgot it laying on the bathroom counter. When I remembered about 30 minutes later, there was a distinct second line. In a matter of minutes, I called Nick, updated two online FB groups and texted two friends. About 3 minutes later, the nurse called and told me that my beta was negative. I was shocked. BUT, I'm holding a positive test????? Nurse stated it wasn't possible, so I tried another test and it was negative. For the first time in my life, I had a faulty pregnancy test. My emotions literally went from sad to estatic to completely defeated in a matter of minutes.
8dp5dt - I am at peace. Another negative test. I physical therapy on my foot today and I let the OT do the dry needling and ultrasound heat, both which I declined earlier in the week since it wasn't safe for pregnancy. I have a renewed purpose, lose ALL the weight I gained and get a tummy tuck. I would like to loose a ton before Nick's 40th birthday party in September and then family pictures in November. My goal to be in a bikini by next Summer.
I took PIO tonight, but didn't take Lovenox
9dp5dt - I didn't test today and I stopped meds. I'm not supposed to stop until tomorrow after my final labs, but it's pointless and I am ready to be off hormones.
Labs:
1dp5dt - Felt wonderful. Couldn't sleep, lower back pain late evening
2dp5dt - feel great, lower back pain, slight cramping, took 2 hour nap, frequent night urination
3dp5dt - night sweats, lower back pain, cramps,
4dp5dt - tired, cramps.PM: felt crappy and exhausted, went to bed early
5dp5pt - Felt better today, only lower back pain. I tested 3 times today with 3 different types of early pregnancy tests. All stark white negative. I had a squinter by today with Matheson. I feel like I am out of the game.
6dp5dt - Both morning tests were negative. All my symptoms are gone.
I am so incredibly sad. I know it's over even though I still have three days left. All of this, all the suffering: the highs and now the lows for nothing. I was so hopeful to give Matheson a sibling to grow up with. Life is never fair. Was it my attitude, "It it works, great; if not, closure"? Did I not try hard enough? No acupuncture or pineapple core? Did I not rest enough or rest too much? Was I just not meant to be a mother of three? Am I greedy? I was lucky enough to undergo fertility treatments and have two awesome, beautiful sons, shouldn't that be enough? I type this sucking back snot and wiping away tears.
Matheson is quietly napping in the next room. Tristan is playing video games. We are missing swim class today since I can't get in the water and I am furious about this. I know it's over and I can't do something we enjoy.
AND I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY
I gave up my career to stay home and be the best mom I could be and raise happy, well adjusted sons. We are financially well off. My children don't want for anything. Why does the universe think I am not good enough to have another child? Why!???
7dp5dt - This day came with a low, a high, then another low. I had to go to the clinic for bloodwork that morning. Test was still negative. A few hours later, I took another one and forgot it laying on the bathroom counter. When I remembered about 30 minutes later, there was a distinct second line. In a matter of minutes, I called Nick, updated two online FB groups and texted two friends. About 3 minutes later, the nurse called and told me that my beta was negative. I was shocked. BUT, I'm holding a positive test????? Nurse stated it wasn't possible, so I tried another test and it was negative. For the first time in my life, I had a faulty pregnancy test. My emotions literally went from sad to estatic to completely defeated in a matter of minutes.
8dp5dt - I am at peace. Another negative test. I physical therapy on my foot today and I let the OT do the dry needling and ultrasound heat, both which I declined earlier in the week since it wasn't safe for pregnancy. I have a renewed purpose, lose ALL the weight I gained and get a tummy tuck. I would like to loose a ton before Nick's 40th birthday party in September and then family pictures in November. My goal to be in a bikini by next Summer.
I took PIO tonight, but didn't take Lovenox
9dp5dt - I didn't test today and I stopped meds. I'm not supposed to stop until tomorrow after my final labs, but it's pointless and I am ready to be off hormones.
Labs:
Saturday, June 1, 2019
8 months old
Last month was the most trans formative yet for Matheson!
In May, Matheson's bottom two teeth came in allowing him to start eating bits of food. He also learned how to drink from a straw.
At the end of the month, he started crawling! And literally overnight, Matty.is.everywhere.
Simultaneously with crawling came pulling up, so he was no longer able to use the baby bath tub and now is officially using the big tub to take a bath. Bathtime is such a special time right before bedtime, so watching him splash and play is so enjoyable.
Naps and nighttime sleep are still great and consistent. Matheson loves his new sitter, Mrs Heather. I was worried that since he is home all day with me, he would be weary of strangers, but as long as someone is holding him or playing with him, Matty is good.
I transferred our last embryo yesterday, so I am technically pregnant and hoping his brother stays around for 9 months. If our transfer is successful, he will have a brother 15 months younger than him. I am so excited to watch them grow up and play ball together outside and share a bunk bed. Such idyllic notions I know, but I can't help myself!
In May, Matheson's bottom two teeth came in allowing him to start eating bits of food. He also learned how to drink from a straw.
At the end of the month, he started crawling! And literally overnight, Matty.is.everywhere.
Simultaneously with crawling came pulling up, so he was no longer able to use the baby bath tub and now is officially using the big tub to take a bath. Bathtime is such a special time right before bedtime, so watching him splash and play is so enjoyable.
Naps and nighttime sleep are still great and consistent. Matheson loves his new sitter, Mrs Heather. I was worried that since he is home all day with me, he would be weary of strangers, but as long as someone is holding him or playing with him, Matty is good.
I transferred our last embryo yesterday, so I am technically pregnant and hoping his brother stays around for 9 months. If our transfer is successful, he will have a brother 15 months younger than him. I am so excited to watch them grow up and play ball together outside and share a bunk bed. Such idyllic notions I know, but I can't help myself!
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