Today is one of those days where I am emotional. I am crampy with an upset tummy. I took my last Provera pill responsible for all these feelings. Now I wait for my period to start to begin another FET cycle.
I am exhausted both mentally and physically. I need a break from all of this. The extra weight I have gained is making me tired more often and I feel that I am withdrawing from social activities because I don't like the way I look. All the hormones have flared my IBS and I am constantly dealing with tummy issues. I can't take anything for it because all meds will cause birth defeats, so I suffer silently.
I am tired from all the planning and doctor appointments and pills, patches and shots. I am not hopeful for the next cycle. I have been hopeful so many times before to only have the rug pulled from under me. I tried so hard last cycle to make my lining thicker... acupuncture, mucinex, pom juice. I don't want to do anything this cycle and just let it be, numb myself to what if feelings, so that if it fails, the blow won't feel as hard. I still remember being told there was no heartbeats. I still remember crying so hard in the operating room. I am better that I can say, "Yes, I had a miscarriage", but that's the extent of my growth from pain. I have a whole room upstairs that is closed off with all the baby stuff I started preparing for.
Nick is a great stepfather and he is so ready to have a baby. I ache that I'm struggling to give us more to our family. I can't wait to experience pregnancy and childbirth and parenting with Nick.
Finding support and comfort in my online IVF Support group has been good for me. I am thankful for ladies sharing their triumphs and heartaches.
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