15w2d May 8 - One year loss anniversary, Bleeding scare and referral to MFM

Yesterday was a day I have been dreading. The one year anniversary of our loss. I woke up knowing I would feel sad, but instantly felt tears filling my eyes. I am not one to dwell on the past, but I felt the need to FEEL. I am completely grateful for the little boy inside of me, but it's hard not to imagine what my life would be like today if we never heard those words, "There are no heartbeats".

About 9am that morning, I was working from home and walked into the bedroom and saw Daisy under the bed. She looked so cute, so I laid on the floor on belly to pet her. Within seconds, I felt like I had urinated on myself. I got up and my leggings were covered in blood. I panicked and called Nick. I already had a doctor's appointment scheduled that afternoon, but the office had called to reschedule. My phone rang and I was like I need to get in today as I am now bleeding. They scheduled me right away with a nurse practictioner and an ultrasound first.

Nick met me at the office. It took me 45 minutes in traffic and I couldn't stop crying. I was gushing bright red blood and just knew I was miscarrying. You are not supposed to bleed in your second trimester. I finally arrived and wore my sunglasses in the building and cried in the waiting room.

When it was my turn and the ultrasound tech put the wand on my belly, I held my breath.... please, please, please be ok. AND HE WAS! His heart was beating 159 bpm and he was measuring right on time at 15w2d. I was still crying at this point to know that he was ok.

Happiness turned scary as the tech saw a unknown mass on my cervix that was causing the bleeding. Instead of just writing notes and sending the info electronically, she went upstairs with us to inform her findings to the NP. After an exam, I was referred to Maternal Fetal Medicine, MFM, a specialist in high risk pregnancies. I had an appointment the next day at 8:30am. I needed to keep my worry in check until then. I mean it all didn't make sense. I had a hysteroscopy in January, no polyps or masses were seen. I had an ultrasound every week from week 5 to week 12. How had something grown in 3 weeks since my last ultrasound?? Worst case scenarios flooded my mind: cancer, preterm delivery, loss of pregnancy. I needed to stay calm until the MFM appointment.