One week post D&C

It has been one week and one day since we were told there were no heartbeats. It is has been one week since my uterus was cleaned out of all evidence of having previously carrying twins.




The past 7 days have been agony for both of us. I cried and cried until I got a stye in my eye, no doubt from all the tears and rubbing. It took me four days to shower and wash my hair. The pain would come and go in waves. I am not sure if I will ever feel whole again.


I took the entire week off from work to grieve and heal. It was needed. Being alone in the house with just my thoughts was awful. I would feel better once Nick and Tristan got home. We told Tristan about the miscarriage on Wednesday. He was sad and said he knew something happened to the baby when his dad picked up not per the original schedule. We were waiting to tell him about the twins, so he was only aware of one loss.




The first few days I was surprised to only have brown spotting. By day 4 post, I was bleeding heavy with big clots on day 5 and 6. Today, the bleeding is lighter but still there.


I have to go weekly for bloodwork to watch my HCG go down. I am not looking forward to the appointment. You get so excited for the weekly bloodwork to go up, to watch and wait for it to go down seems like agony.




I want back what I lost. I have never wanted to be pregnant so badly than after losing what was to be the start of our family together. I will move forward with another transfer as soon as my hormones level out. In my mind, I think 3 weeks and then 3 weeks to prepare for transfer, so end of June with a possible March baby (s).




I have gained so much weight and bloating from all of this that I look pregnant. Yesterday at work, a guy emailed me congratulations on expecting. I almost lost it and responded that I was not and not sure where he received that information. I was so ravenously hungry when pregnant and now, literally no appetite. I mean I eat 3 times per day, but I am not starving.






I was grateful for new friends this weekend. On Friday, we went and had drinks to celebrate a friend's birthday. On Saturday, we attended a friend's graduation celebration at a brewery which continued into the night at another friend's house. I drank too much. I needed to numb my feelings and feel happy. Some knew that I had a miscarriage as they asked why I was drinking and previously was not able to.


Today is another day and another step forward.