Loss and D&C

Monday, May 8, 2017

Nick and I walked into The Woodlands clinic expecting to find out if we were having twins or triplets. All week since our last ultrasound, we had been plotting and planning. Looking at houses that would have the perfect layout for our expanding family. We were excited and nervous.

As I laid down on the table chatting with Dr Griffith as he was the doctor who did our transfer, I looked at the screen and marveled instantly at how big the babies looked. Yes, indeed there were two babies in one sac. And then came the bad news, there were no heartbeats. There was no other sac either. I started to cry hysterically. You mean there are NO heartbeats at all, not even one? Our worst case scenario was that we would loose the two possibly sharing the same sac and only have one baby girl. Losing all of them never crossed our mind. I mean we had two strong beating hearts just one week prior!
The doctor left the room to give us time to take in what we were told, the twins were conjoined and sharing the same blood supply which put a strain on resources and their little hearts couldn't handle it and stopped beating. That moment was one of the worst days of my life.

In 7 years, I have never seen Nick cry, his eyes swell with tears or even his voice quiver. He is stoic and holds all his emotions in. In that moment, my husband held me tightly and cried violently. He cried so hard, it made me catch my breath to comfort him as he was comforting me. That moment of for better or worse in a marriage when you are tested came just 6 months later for us in that exam room.

We composed ourselves and walked in the doctor's private office to go over our options. I had another subchorionic hematoma that was very active. If I waited to miscarry, I could possibly bleed out causing an emergent situation. I wanted to move forward with a D&C as soon as they could get me in. The doctor called Piney Point Surgery Center on his cell phone and got me booked in the next day at the earliest appointment, 7am. He asked if I wanted to be awake before they put me under anesthesia to do the final check on the ultrasound. I knew this wasn't something I could handle. I asked if my husband could be in the room while I was under to give us some peace of mind. Dr Griffith checked with the hospital and they made the accommodation for us. This I was grateful.

That drive home from the Woodlands in separate vehicles was tortuous. I got home and crawled in bed and cried and cried. Nick climbed in with me and held me while we both cried harder than we ever had before. We lost our girls, our babies. They were loved and wanted. The agony of that day will forever haunt me.

The next morning proved to be much worse. While signing the consent forms, there it was written, Missed Abortion. That word made me cry. My babies died! They were wanted! As we walked into the operating room and I was strapped onto the gurney, my arms in T position and my legs strapped into stirrups, I cried and quivered. I couldn't catch my breath Nick was by my side holding me hand. I was finally put under and Nick watched as I was incubated and then the final check on the ultrasound was over, he left the room to wait.
I woke up to an empty womb and my insides hurt, but not as bad as my heart hurt. I am grateful to have a husband that loves me and took care of me in one of my darkest hours.

We will move forward and do another FET after my period comes back in about a month. I want what we lost. I want my girls back.