More headaches and spotting

Just when I thought I was done with all reminders of my miscarriage, the daily headaches returned and so did some light spotting. The spotting was only noticed when wiping, so it was just annoyingly there. 

My hcg levels were 143 on Tuesday, so I am hoping everything is just dropping again and hopefully by the next Tuesday, they will be at zero and we can try again. I hate the waiting.


I need a vacation. I need to get away for a few days and relax. It's Memorial weekend, Tristan is with his dad and Nick and I have no plans.

2 weeks post D&C

Sunday to Tuesday are always emotional days.


Sundays was when my week would advance and I would receive weekly emails to update me on my process.
Monday we were told there were no heartbeats.
Tuesday is when I was strapped on a gurney crying uncontrollably and woke up to an empty womb.


Today is the hardest as I work from home on Tuesdays and am alone in an empty house with my thoughts. I close my eyes and that hospital room is all I see through blinded tears.


Another reminder is I go weekly for blood draws to check my HCG. I used a cheap HPT yesterday and it was still positive, which means another week will need to go by until I am tested again for it to be zero before I am move forward.


We were allowed to be intimate today and I needed that connection to my husband. I needed this more than just physical needs, but I needed that emotional connection back.

Headaches and spotting

Finally, my body seems to be over the bleeding as I've only experienced brown spotting on day 8 post D&C; however, the constant headaches from rapidly dropping hormones has plagued me the last two days. No pain medication helps them to go away. I ready to be without the constant reminder of loss. I'm ready to be intimate with my husband and start the process over.

One week post D&C

It has been one week and one day since we were told there were no heartbeats. It is has been one week since my uterus was cleaned out of all evidence of having previously carrying twins.




The past 7 days have been agony for both of us. I cried and cried until I got a stye in my eye, no doubt from all the tears and rubbing. It took me four days to shower and wash my hair. The pain would come and go in waves. I am not sure if I will ever feel whole again.


I took the entire week off from work to grieve and heal. It was needed. Being alone in the house with just my thoughts was awful. I would feel better once Nick and Tristan got home. We told Tristan about the miscarriage on Wednesday. He was sad and said he knew something happened to the baby when his dad picked up not per the original schedule. We were waiting to tell him about the twins, so he was only aware of one loss.




The first few days I was surprised to only have brown spotting. By day 4 post, I was bleeding heavy with big clots on day 5 and 6. Today, the bleeding is lighter but still there.


I have to go weekly for bloodwork to watch my HCG go down. I am not looking forward to the appointment. You get so excited for the weekly bloodwork to go up, to watch and wait for it to go down seems like agony.




I want back what I lost. I have never wanted to be pregnant so badly than after losing what was to be the start of our family together. I will move forward with another transfer as soon as my hormones level out. In my mind, I think 3 weeks and then 3 weeks to prepare for transfer, so end of June with a possible March baby (s).




I have gained so much weight and bloating from all of this that I look pregnant. Yesterday at work, a guy emailed me congratulations on expecting. I almost lost it and responded that I was not and not sure where he received that information. I was so ravenously hungry when pregnant and now, literally no appetite. I mean I eat 3 times per day, but I am not starving.






I was grateful for new friends this weekend. On Friday, we went and had drinks to celebrate a friend's birthday. On Saturday, we attended a friend's graduation celebration at a brewery which continued into the night at another friend's house. I drank too much. I needed to numb my feelings and feel happy. Some knew that I had a miscarriage as they asked why I was drinking and previously was not able to.


Today is another day and another step forward.

Loss and D&C

Monday, May 8, 2017

Nick and I walked into The Woodlands clinic expecting to find out if we were having twins or triplets. All week since our last ultrasound, we had been plotting and planning. Looking at houses that would have the perfect layout for our expanding family. We were excited and nervous.

As I laid down on the table chatting with Dr Griffith as he was the doctor who did our transfer, I looked at the screen and marveled instantly at how big the babies looked. Yes, indeed there were two babies in one sac. And then came the bad news, there were no heartbeats. There was no other sac either. I started to cry hysterically. You mean there are NO heartbeats at all, not even one? Our worst case scenario was that we would loose the two possibly sharing the same sac and only have one baby girl. Losing all of them never crossed our mind. I mean we had two strong beating hearts just one week prior!
The doctor left the room to give us time to take in what we were told, the twins were conjoined and sharing the same blood supply which put a strain on resources and their little hearts couldn't handle it and stopped beating. That moment was one of the worst days of my life.

In 7 years, I have never seen Nick cry, his eyes swell with tears or even his voice quiver. He is stoic and holds all his emotions in. In that moment, my husband held me tightly and cried violently. He cried so hard, it made me catch my breath to comfort him as he was comforting me. That moment of for better or worse in a marriage when you are tested came just 6 months later for us in that exam room.

We composed ourselves and walked in the doctor's private office to go over our options. I had another subchorionic hematoma that was very active. If I waited to miscarry, I could possibly bleed out causing an emergent situation. I wanted to move forward with a D&C as soon as they could get me in. The doctor called Piney Point Surgery Center on his cell phone and got me booked in the next day at the earliest appointment, 7am. He asked if I wanted to be awake before they put me under anesthesia to do the final check on the ultrasound. I knew this wasn't something I could handle. I asked if my husband could be in the room while I was under to give us some peace of mind. Dr Griffith checked with the hospital and they made the accommodation for us. This I was grateful.

That drive home from the Woodlands in separate vehicles was tortuous. I got home and crawled in bed and cried and cried. Nick climbed in with me and held me while we both cried harder than we ever had before. We lost our girls, our babies. They were loved and wanted. The agony of that day will forever haunt me.

The next morning proved to be much worse. While signing the consent forms, there it was written, Missed Abortion. That word made me cry. My babies died! They were wanted! As we walked into the operating room and I was strapped onto the gurney, my arms in T position and my legs strapped into stirrups, I cried and quivered. I couldn't catch my breath Nick was by my side holding me hand. I was finally put under and Nick watched as I was incubated and then the final check on the ultrasound was over, he left the room to wait.
I woke up to an empty womb and my insides hurt, but not as bad as my heart hurt. I am grateful to have a husband that loves me and took care of me in one of my darkest hours.

We will move forward and do another FET after my period comes back in about a month. I want what we lost. I want my girls back.

Exhaustion

8 weeks today and my mom's birthday.

Total exhaustion today. I did not feel like this with my first pregnancy at all.

Another SCH on Cinco de Mayo

I knew to except some bleeding at some point as my u/s on Monday showed another subchorionic hematoma (SCH). Yesterday after work, I was cramping pretty bad. I woke up this morning to blood soaked sheets and brown spotting when I wiped. I am starting to see a pattern. The last sch that I experienced was accompanied by cramping when I started to bleed. At least knowing what to expect and that it was normal gave me some peace of mind.


It is a beautiful Cinco de Mayo day in Houston today. I am working from home, which always makes me happy. Tonight also starts Music in May on Friday nights in May. Tristan always looks forward to this.

7w1d, two heartbeats.... BUT possibly a third???

Today's doctor visit was hard to take all the information in. Friday, there were two heartbeats, but one was much slower.


Today, there are two great heartbeats, Baby A is 125 and Baby B is 133.


However, Dr Yeh stated that baby A has a smaller gestational sac than baby A. Nothing to do or worry about now.


Baby B looked like an odd shape on the u/s and even though there is only one heartbeat, it looks like there are two babies in there! OMG. Identical triplets??!! He said we would know more by the next u/s in a week.


Also, there is another sub-chorionic hematoma in my uterus, so if I have bleeding or spotting, that would be the culprit. Something else to worry about.


I can't focus on work. I am tired and hungry. Too many possibilities running through my head right now.



Baby A



Baby B...Hopefully just one in there!