No rainbows. No happy endings.

I stopped all meds yesterday. I'm oddly at peace over this failed cycle.

We both need a break and I need to focus on me to loose all the fertility weight gain.

We have several embryos in the freezer and will try again in January. 

8dp5dt Still negative

Nothing hurts more than pumping your body full of hormones when it's hopeless. Day 8. Embryo is now 13 days old and has not implanted. Tomorrow is D-day. Last day embryo can survive.


Yesterday, Hurricane Harvey was approaching Houston and I was off of work. I drove through the rain for my weekly blood work follow up. I asked the nurse to run a beta as well as all my home tests had been negative. Always holding on to some hope, but maybe, just maybe the bloodtest would be positive. It was negative. The doctor stated to stay on medications and come back for bloodwork on Monday. If confirmed negative on Monday, I would stop all medications again.


I cried ugly tears on Friday. I cried until my head hurt. Why do my cycles keep failing when all indicators point to success? What am I doing wrong? Why is my body still failing me even with medical intervention?


As a distraction, we went to a friend's house for a Hurricane Poker party. I didn't drink even though I wanted to numb the pain of all of this. One of the ladies I am becoming friends with asked me why I wanted this so badly. That hurt that some people don't understand. It's painful.


Another negative this morning, but I did only have digitals left. Just seeing "NO-" seemed so harsh. Yet, I am also relieved to have a respite, a pause... in other words, I break from all the monitoring, side effects, pills, patches, injections....everything. I hate my reflection in the mirror from all the weight gain. A break would mean throwing myself into a diet and exercise plan to hopefully look presentable for the upcoming holiday season.


On the other hand, do I want the break? Does pausing mean giving up when I have invested so much time, energy and money to help my body do what it can't do naturally? Would I be losing momentum? What if I do take the pause and lose the weight and feel so much better that maybe I won't want to start this all over again?


My thoughts are all over the place and for now, I just wait.

6dp5dt - Not feeling hopeful

Another negative test this morning. Today is the first day that I don't feel hopeful. All the online groups state it is still too early and I am clinging to that, that maybe I have late implanters.


Also, with Tristan my IUI was on 10/12/07 and when I tested on day 11 (which I am today), it was a negative. I didn't test again until beta day on day 14 and my results were only 22.


Symptoms today include heartburn and headache.


This is so hard.

5DP5DT - Waiting is pure madness

Wednesday morning.


Last night, I had mild achiness and fullness in my lower abdomen.


I am feeling good today, well rested with no symptoms. I was out of the FRER tests and only had digitals, so I took a digital this am and it was negative, just like I thought it would be, but the madness of waiting, I had to take one anyways! Bah.... no patience and hate waiting.


I am turning into a POAS addict.





My last pregnancy, I got a squinter on the same day in the afternoon, so looks like a trip to CVS for me today to buy more and test when I get home!!!


UPDATE:
Just when I posted that I was feeling great with no issues. BAM. 10:30am, I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks with an instant headache and dizziness. Fingers crossed this is a good sign.